A Moment in time..

Today, Madelynn turns 6 weeks and 3 days old..The same Age Trinity was when she was Taken from us. This is a SUPER hard time when They hit this age for me. I'm already totally freaked out until They are one. I'm always checking Juliana and Madelynn's breathing while they are sleeping. I'm VERY traumatized after loosing Trinity. I'm still very scared to lose another baby, even if "SIDS" striking twice in one family is rare. I Still can't help but think it could happen again.I know God is in Control of Everything, All we Can do is Pray and hope for the best, That Madelynn will make it past 1 yr Without me loosing my mind. I'm SOO glad this will be my last time stressing this age.


Madelynn is now weighing in probably at 10ish pounds she's chunked up A LOT since coming home from the NICU. She's Just now growing out of Newborn clothes And Diapers. She Smiles now as has since 5 week, which is SOO cute. ( I have yet to get it on Camera yet) She smiles SOOO much at my mom when she comes over. AWW. Madelynn looks SOOOOOO much like Trinity it's insane. Which then means She looks like John. She has my fingers and toes. Everything else is pretty much daddy. Although were not sure whos nose she has just yet. I'm Thinking It's more mine though.

Madelynn Sophia is here!!

On 11/9 We went in for our Scheduled c-section, I was a bit nervous even if this was my 3rd c-section I have no clue why though. I kept thinking of me dying, I guess that's normal though when you go threw surgery. Anyways, Madelynn Sophia was born on 11/9 at 7:48am weighing 6lbs 10 oz and 19 inches long. HEr spgars were 7 and then 8 .She looks EXACTLY like her daddy, It's like HE spit her out not me.
Madelynn did have some complications at Birth, She came out a greyish color and breathing really heavily and fast and they weren't sure why so they took her to the little nursery our hospital has and she got a xray Etc. of her lungs.
Turns out, She had a collapsed lung(pneumothorax on her right), And Her Aveloi had bursted open causing air to leak on the side of her lung. She was put on This Hood for Oxygen and a IV was started. The oncall pedi thought it would be best to send her to Medford to the NICU for close observation incase it got worse. (Our hospital isnt equipped for special care for babies.) I Didn't actually get to Meet her until The third day after she was born.
Madelynn came home from the NICU, Yesterday 11/14 after we had to room-in with her overnight to make sure she was good to go and didn't have fast breathing overnight.

Sadness

I'm having a very hard time with Trinity's birthday approaching very soon! It seems so UNFAIR that we have to celebrate 2nd birthday without her, when we didn't even a first...at her grave, instead of at a park with birthday cake and candles and presents... but we celebrate with tears, and fake smiles. " Everything happens, For a reason" I still do not understand this.. there was NO reason for her to die, she was healthy. why was she picked? why her? why me? Why was I chose to be a mother to a angel? I still have so many questions and I get no answers. My answers end with "SIDS". This isn't right at all. I shouldn't be sitting her crying I should be loving on my 23 month old little girl.. not holding on to the memories I have of her, or the clothes she wore, or the blanket she was wrapped in at the funeral home or the memory book that was made for us.. that I still have not looked at because its just too hard to handle. I shouldn't be thinking about all the things McKenzyee does that Trinity never did or will ever get to do or how the slightest talk of Trinity and I burst into tears..or how at family get togethers wonder if anyone thinks or remembers trinity..

I will ALWAYS love you, Trinity Eliana. A Perfect Angel in my Eyes, Taken FAR too soon.

Pancakes

Juliana tried Pankcakes tonight, since thats what we were having for dinner.. and She LOVED them she ate 3 tiny pancakes,after eating 1 1/2 jars of food and puffs and yogurt melts,She's quite the eater if you cant tell. She LOVES food. it was so cute, watching her eat them, she loves eating any foods with her fingers.



She was making quite the faces when I was taking pictures of her..

She has quite the character already, She's hilarious.

First Time hearing heartbeat!

Today I had my 2nd OB visit, although it wasnt with my OB it was with the nurse practioner Katie, I only just turned 12 weeks so, I didn't think she would be able to pick up the heartbeat since this is a tricky time to, but she DID! yay! It was 160BPM, From the heartbeart sounds Girl.. but we will see in June.
I had to get my blood drawn today also.. I always hate it but it was okay as long as I didn't look. I have my NT screening in a couple days and we get to see baby on u/s again yay! Can't wait.

Juliana is 7 months old!! wow.

Eating Pizza crust... She Loves it.!




Juliana is 7 months old! wow. I can't believe more than a half year has gone by. Juliana is now 16 pounds and 27 inches long. She rolls everywhere.. and scoots to places she wants to go, she can hold her bottle on her own, she says "dada", and now just this week"baba", She can sit up on her own, and she LOVES to dance, It's so cute. She LOVES blowing spit bubbles, she does it in the middle of the night too lol. She's starting to clap which is cute, because be do ptty cake all the time.. She still has no teeth, and isnt crawling still, oh well. she will soon. Here's some pictures from Today.

Random Pictures. 6 months

Loving on sissy's monkey bobby jack
First time eating cut up avacado.. she LOVES it.
McKenzyee's first time feeding Juliana.. quite the mess she made feeding her.
This is what happens when Juliana thinks it's funny to spit more food lands
on her/her highchair than in her tummy.
Getting ready to go for a walk
Her sippy she loves it
SOOOO cute! She fell asleep with sissy's doll and her binky.. All a girl could want right?

Happy birthday to me!

April 25th was my 22nd Birthday,woohoo! We went out to Pizza with my mom and my brother Caleb and John's side of the family. It was pretty fun. I got a new blender yeah! Just what I wanted lol. And Juliana Tried PIZZA crust lol. She LOVE LOVE LOVED it! She couldn't get enough of it.

First OB Appt!

April 15th was our first OB appt. We got to see the baby on U/S moving all around it was cute. McKenzyee kept asking if it was a boy because the doctor and John were taking about maybe this would we our boy. By my LMP I'm 10 weeks 6 days but the baby is measuring a week ahead so it's measuring 11 weeks 6 days. For right now were going by my LMP so my Due date is 11/14 if I continue to measure big it will get bumped to 11/7. I'll have it a week early anyway beings I'm having another c-section. Anyway heres a U/s Picture not the best I scanned it.

Juliana is 6 months old! March 30th

wow, It's crazy to think 6 months.. 1/2 a year has went by. We have been beyond blessed with Juliana. I couldn't ask for a better baby I love her to pieces.
She weighs 15 lbs and 10 oz and is 27 inches long and 16 1/2 inches head.

Happy 4th Birthday McKenzyee

WOW! 4 years old I can't believe it, Time has surely flew by. I remember her the size of Juliana just a bit ago. Anyways heres some pictures from the party.

Thanksgiving

Yes, I know its out of Order but I didnt wanna re-do the other post heres a picture of Juliana on Thanksgiving.

Our First Christmas Together.

Juliana was just 2 1/2 months old and McKenzyee 3 1/2.

Our First Halloween Together!

McKenzyee was a Ladybug and Juliana was a bee. Juliana had just turned 1 months the day prior.

September 30,2008

After a Very eventful week with McKenzyee in the hospital Juliana was brought into the world 5 days after her original c-section day. On September 30th @ 8:33am Juliana came screaming into the world at 7lbs 1 oz a 19 3/4 inches long with bright red hair and blue eyes.

McKenzyee Sick with ITP.

After a 5 days of McKenzyee not eating and running a fever off and on and puking. I was so ready for her to be well..mind you I was 37 weeks pregnant. McKenzyee kept saying her throat hurt so we called the dr. The on call doctor wanted us to go to the ER to get a strep culture done to make sure it wasnt strep throat so, we wait there for hours until we are called. McKenzyee got her throat swabbed which she didnt like one bit. They said the results would be back that night and they would call us. So they prescribed her penicillin for her throat We started her on it right after we got it that afternoon and then we got the call that the results were negative and she didnt have strp throat but to still continue the penicillin until it was done, That was on a Friday on Sunday, I was giving McKenzyee a bath because she was running a fever hoping to bring it down since thats what our DR said to do. While in there I Notice a HUGE blood bruise on her neck kinda like a hickey. and petechial all over her body She also had a huge bloody lip kinda like someone hit her or she feel face first in the ground it was BAD. We took her back to the ER And They got us back and put us in a special room away from anyone else and then they came to get us when a room was ready. They thought she might be having a drug reaction to the penicillin give on Friday. After running a couple tests they finally decided to they needed to do a spinal tap, because all the symptoms pointed towards forms or cancer! I was not very thrilled. The screaming was torture, It came back and her blood platlets were really low for her. so they wanted to watch her over night at least.They still didn't come up. So we did a a medicine called winrow to help her white blood platelets get higher that didn't do much and she started shaking beyone belief and puking it was horrible. Our last option was to do a blood transfusion and her body rejected it... That was all the hospital here could do for us. So, The NIGHT BEFORE my c-section On September 24th, McKenzyee was Airflighted to Portland hospital, of course I couldn't go abaord and but john did because I was too pregnant and my OB wouldnt allow it. It was SUCH a hard desicion to pick whether to go or to stay and have the baby since my c-section was in the morning. After a long and hard decsion I chose to go to Portland with McKenzyee and if need be deliver up there. I got all my OB records and off me and my mom went to portland 300 some odd miles away.
We get about 50 miles or less out of town and her tire blows out.. Nice.
My brother comes and gets us and I stay at her house since no one else was home. The next morning, John's mom calls and asks if I still want to go to portland.. uh yeah. John's grandma had arranged me a ride up to portland to be with McKenzyee. after a VERY long trip we finally were there.
During our trip, McKenzyee had went into surgery to remove the excess fluid around her spinal cord. While they were trying to put her under Anesthisea she coded and to be resitated (sp?) That was the scarest thing hearing over the phone. McKenzyee was finally diagnosed with ITP which stands for: Immune Thrombocytopenic Purpura which is a rare blood disorder. McKenzyee's white blood cells were attacking her red blood cells and not allowing her blood to clot which is why she had pickea because she was hemmoraging under her skin. McKenzyee was finally released from the hospital on Sunday and that Tuesday I was scheduled for my c-section. McKenzyee was on 2 medications for about a month zantac because the steriod she was on could eat at her stomach lining and Also the steriod predisone. She has been tested is is now ITP free yay!

Expecting Juliana-

Just 6 months after the birth of Trinity.. We found out we were finally pregnant AGAIN. I wanted another baby so bad after what happen with Trinity. I was scared but also SOOO excited. I couldn't wait to know if we would have our 3rd Girl or our first little boy.. Our U/S at 22 weeks says GIRL! I had to come back because my placenta was very low and they wanted to make sure it had moved up and They also couldn't get a good shot of the heart valve..I come back I was 25 weeks why then I believe. The same U/S lady does my U/s She looks at the heart and the placenta those both look great... But then she tells me oh yeah, I couldnt see the sex very well last time let me check again..I was like WHAT?! She then says She really cant tell. "Either the baby is a girl or it's a little boy with a small little weiner"- Her words. So I then leave the office not knowing now.. if its a boy or girl. There for we can paint the nursery or buy the carseat. I was then refered to a Fetal Specialist Finally When I was 32 weeks.. only to find out.. it WAS a girl all along and her clitoris is not swollen but looks normal. They thought she had some kinda of disorder where her clitoris was swollen.

Any Parents Worst Nightmare... Came True on July 16,2007

To think This was the night before..




Just 8 hours before she would take her last breathe and fly to heaven.
Trinity didn't go to sleep until around 3am and was up again at 7 am to eat, I fed her and put her in bed with us.(mistake? IDK) Around 11 I woke up all of a sudden since I hadn't heard Trinity since 7am when I layed her next to us.. I woke up and Trinity was facing John.. Covered in blood. It was the worst thing I have EVER woke up to, She was a little tiny bit pale but she was still warm so I thought there was hope. Her heart was beating still when Taken to the hospital by aumbulance. They wouldn't let us in the room while doing CPR.. The minute pastor or preist or minister whoever he was, came in the room I just KNEW. They couldn't get her to breath on her own and eventually her heart stopped...They brought her to us for us to say our goodbyes before the funeral home, her body was soo pale, and getting colder by the minute. She had a tube down her mouth to catch fluids, I'm guessing. Her chest was SOOOO black and blue and bruised from them putting so much force on her while doing CPR. The hospital had a box of things, for us inside was a ugly robe thing that the nurse put on Trinity and a blanket she wrapped her into go to the funeral home in and then we would get to keep it. We got to do Hanf and foot prints although the social worker was a little weirded out I think to touch Trinity So I did it on my own with his help a little.
The Police came to the hospital for their "investigation" and john and to tell his part and I had to tell mine. They didn't believe what john was saying because his story was so out there.. but he was asleep for almost all of it so he remembered nothing. As soon as they were done talking to john again..They rushed us out of there They honestly didn't give a fuck, if our baby just died. A detective came and looked and took pictures of EVERYTHING in our house..refrigerator and all! And asked us all kinds of questions. They serious acted like we did something wrong. I guess Guilty until prven innocent was used in this case. We didn't hear the actual cause of death until 6 months after. We had thought it was something to do with her brain or possibly a vein that blew, since she was bleeding so bad from her nose/mouth, but then it all came down to... sudden infant death occuring while co-sleeping with parents( and yes this is the EXACT wording on her death certificate. )

Trinity was just 6 weeks and 3 days old when she passed away. Visitation, dressing and casketing was on Thursday July 19th @ 2 I believe. That day..Aunt Misty decorated the room and was holding Trinity when we got there. she was VERY VERY VERY cold. She had been embalmed so she looked like a porcealian baby and not real at all. John wasn't took happy about it. The embalming guy had a hard time embalming her...because when he would push the stuff in her veins it would make her eyes bulge and start opening, or inicially she got more embalming than her tiny body could handle since it was also leaking out of the whole he put it in threw.
I had planned on wanting to dress her myself since it would lower the funeral cost. It was a bit harder than I thought it would be. She was pretty stiff and it was a bit hard to get her in the outfit I wanted her in put evenutally Me and John did it.

Friday July 20th, was the funeral and the day we would bury her.. Just 7 week to the day That she was born. I had picked out a PINK casket for her that was specially made, with string closures with her name in beads. It was beautiful for a beautiful little girl I wasn't ready to put her in it at all until it was absoulelty time to I was not ready to give up my baby. I held her the whole reception and I carried her to the car and drove with her on mine and john's lap to the cemetary. Watching Her uncles and daddy bury her was the hardest thing to have to watch.

All During the days (17-20) before she was buried, John and his dad and my brother and John's brother all dug the whole that Trinity would rest in..What a awesome daddy to do that for his daughter. It was no easy job either.. it was nothing but pure granite and thats hard to dig threw. It had to be shovel deep all the way around They didn't get it done until the morning of the 20th I believe. John didn't only dig the hole because he wanted to but it also was cheaper, it would of costed money to have some machine come out and dig it.
Okay I'm rambling now.

Pictures- From June 3rd-July 15th,2007

McKenzyee at uncle Bob's




The outfit I LOVED on her and also the one I picked to bury her in




The only time she EVER slept in her crib

We Loved her so much!


McKenzyee and Trinity taking a bath together-I think the only one they got to take together.

Truely Amazing.





Daddy, McKenzyee and Trinity-while daddy feeds her and McKenzyee kisses her she LOVED being a big sister to her!

John's mom Trinitys Grandma 4 weeks old

John's uncle Corey-Trinity 4 weeks

John's Grandma-Trinitys Great grandma

Just 5 weeks old



McKenzyee 2 1/2




Sleepy Girl

McKenzyee 2 1/2 and Trinity 4 weeks